i cnt stop crying.
im stunned by my own stupidity today. so stunned that i cannot stop crying.
nothing seems to be going right.
i hate myself.

i hope no one remembers this blog. sincerely hopes.
so that i can just pour anyth tt i want.
tdy is a bad day. it all ended with a bad ending.
i hate to be always being in a cold war. nt talking to u. hurting you. hurting me.
i hate to always end up crying alone in my room while smsing to apologise because im so afraid tt i might lose u.

hey ho.its july. last day of july.and i realised things are rlly gna engulf me up and i need a way to let it all out.
so if u happen to come here, and happen to read whats here, read and go.

tdy is rlly a very very very bad day. its an ups and downs day.
perhaps being in the wrong sch make everyday seemed bad.idk.
so i was saying. it was a bad day because i lost control of myself at the end of the day and broke dwn before im alone.
and ahjussi was there. in the end we ended up nt talking cuz he was shocked and i was trying to cover up how i feel by nt facing him and for the whole bus ride it was just silenceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

i felt tt i've let many ppl down and disappointed in me. and i feel so so so so so guilty that idk how to save some things alr.
i lost my connection with ange yilin yinkar jiaen rest of clique 8 and s7 and many other nanhuarians. I SERIOUSLY MISS MY TIME IN NH. where everything is so simple, when theres just studies and friends.
im rlly rlly rlly rlly sorry guys! i rlly rlly rlly wna to nt lose contact with u guys badly bt i cnt seem to maintain what i rlly want.

i felt sorry towards buddy because i realised i hadnt talk to him for a long time. and i wasnt the person to be there for him anymore. i wasnt the buddy that he used to have. and i rlly rlly feel sry abt that. even though we will still suan each other in sch like we used to, we werent as close. i knw most of it was due to me. so im rlly feeling very apolegetic. bt buddy, if u happen to see this, pls knw that. i still see u as a buddy, still regard u as a friend that i'll love and dnt wna lose.

i felt sorry towards ah gong and mummy too. i wasnt connecting with ah gong anymore. because i was too lazy to sms. and theres no huang cheng. bt ah gong. i rlly appreciated the fact tt i gt to knw u this yr. ur one of the best friends i made in hc. i knew we cnt be like of what we were in the past, bt i hope. even though i may seem to be forever busy or unreachable, if u want an listening ear, u can come to me. And to mummy, even though we see each other in class and cca, i didnt get to go mugging sessions with u anymore and i knw its entirely me who cnt make it. im rlly sry abt tt. rlly rlly. rlly rlly.

lastly, i feel sorry towards ahjussi because ur girlfriend is a sinful person. as much as i didnt want to, i made u worry tdy. besides that, even though im trying my very very very best, i cldnt rlly get rid of the feeling tt i've felt when u were so devastated when u knw tt its someone's impt day.i knew its different. i knew its two different case bt i cnt help bt let the woman's inborn sinful trait overwhelm me. im rlly sorry, cuz i dnt wna to give any more pressure and stuff

I WANT TO STAY SIMPLE. BECAUSE THE ENVIRONMENT IS CAUSING ME TO SHOW MY COMPLEX SIDE. because i wna hide the fact that. every simple being does hold a cimplicated mind even if he/she doesnt look like.

its like end of may now AND IM NEVER BLOGGING I KNW.
but things are getting so out of hand that i feel if i cnt pour it out somewhere i may end up in the mental hospital
sch life is hectic. and i feel so lost. i've never felt so lost before. i mean the friends i've made are all awesome and wonderful and great bt it's the sch that seriously freaks me out.
i lost control of my studies i think i lost my initial feeling when i started dancing and i lost my goals. basically im losing myself bit by bit. HAI. HAI. HAI.

i need to balance balance balance balance balanceeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to improve in dancing because i seemed to stay stagnant for quite somewhile! AHHHH!
i need to stop thinking about alot of stuff at night and end up not slping!
i need to prevent myself frm roaming on the streets outside at 11 plus or 12am just because i dnt feel like going home.
hc is screwing me up; i need to unscrew myself.

i should just probably stop thinking abt it because it just makes me feel more down.
and idk what i rlly want. im just stuck in the middle and is indecisive of which way to go
im becoming more and more complicated. and i hate it. wheres the simple minded dumbass jinghui. freak. FML.

overflux of colours that drowns me;


HELLO HELLO. I KNOW I HAVE NT BEEN BLOGGING FOR A MTH AND 13 DAYS
so i shall give an overview.

lectures and tutorials started after orientation ended D:
then it was cny celebrations cum vday! 7k got more bonded i think! went back sec sch , see my superb friends and thought back on nolstalgic moments
also started huang cheng props production and i like daoju! everyone very high! :D
then can gossip and tease and play and sing and dance while doing the props haha!
but i rch hm at ard 11 everyday on average which is quite torturing because i have to finish tutorials. less than 4 hrs of slp everyday D:
went for mad auditions 1 and 2 and i got in mad HIP HOP! YAY!
bt upon going in. i realised how noob i am so, HAI. got to buck up! buck up buck up!

earned myself a good buddy in this period of time also haha!
thx for waiting for me until so late on some huang cheng days! :D
and my class ppl are all awesome ppl i think! just that some too smart some too talented. so i feel that i am the only one that pulled the class standards dwn :X
SIGHHHHHHH. lol ok. gtg. bb !


my very awesome class 10S7K!

im sorry i didnt keep my promise. i am nw aching all over because of dance lessons with zhongyi ytd and i m coughing and having a sorethroat now. SO IM TOO LAZY AND CUI TO BLOG. sry peeps! i'll try to get into blogging mode soon k :D

I STILL MISS ANGE GU TEH YILIN MAK KAR KAR PEI EN EN AND RACHEL AND JOANNE AND YIYANG AND S7 AND AND AND ALOT ALOT WHICH I CNT THINK OF NOW. HAI.